I love the Muppets. Looking back, my adoration for Jim Henson was probably my first huge gay crush. I think what impressed me most about the Muppets was that despite the fact that they seemed geared toward children with their technicolor felt skin and bugged-out eyeballs, they weren’t talking down to me or underestimating my intelligence. I got all of the sex, drugs, violence and political humor (and if I didn’t I’m sure the dialogue shaped my future ideas on the world). In their movies they routinely shattered the fourth wall with complex themes of films within films in a way that would be like seeing Mickey Mouse take his head off at Disneyland, only with the Muppets the very process was so magical that nothing could make them traumatic. Last night I was instant messaging with Leigha and we started talking about the New York Times article about Disney’s new push for the Muppets to have a giant cultural comeback. They’ve featured them heavily on the Disney Channel chatting with people like the Jonas Brothers and the cast of High School Musical, and they’ve released viral videos online like these:
The most devastating element to this tactical Muppet revival for both Leigha and I came when we learned that the writers of Hollywood’s Forgetting Sarah Marshall were given the honor of scripting the next Muppet movie, slated for release in 2010. It isn’t that Jason Segel (whom I admired greatly on TV’s Freaks and Geeks) and Nicholas Stoller are undeserving or not talented enough to pull off such an endeavor (Segel stated in an interview “I’ve always had Muppet pictures and figurines all through my house. Now that I’m getting to write it, I feel like all of my dreams are coming true.”), but it’s just that they are so lucky. It’s not fair! Sure, they’re a lot older than I am, and have certainly paid their dues more in Hollywood, but I read about their plot and it’s redundant. Listen to what Wikipedia says:
“it’s going to be incredibly old-fashioned, with the familiar Muppet characters putting on a show to save an old theater. The danger? An evil character wants to tear the place down to get at the oil underneath.”
It’s nice that Segel and Stoller want to stick to this time-honored standard of Muppet movies and honor the films that Henson made in his lifetime, but I think that Jim Henson would welcome a more ingenious plotline. To Jason Segel and Nicholas Stoller, if you’re listening, Leigha and I care about the Muppets and this project. If you’d like any input from two young writers and artists on this screenplay, we are at your service. In fact, we came up with our own idea for the plot of the next Muppet movie… AND IT GOES LIKE THIS:
It’s present-day, in real life, and the Muppets are out of work. The problem is that nobody cares about them anymore, they feel neglected, misused, unappreciated, and have resigned themselves to complete retirement—and they’ve also split up. Kermit is home in the swamp with his nephew and family members, strumming his banjo and entertaining young tadpoles about his amazing life and times. The song serves as the perfect accompaniment for a grand flashback to all of Kermit and the gang’s past successes. “Uncle Kermit!” chimes an enthusiastic young girl tadpole (voiced by an actually young child, perhaps a celebrity baby such as Zahara Jolie-Pitt), “where are the Muppets now?”
Kermit stares off into the distance and sadly replies that he doesn’t know because he stopped talking to them in 1999.
Essentially, Fozzie crashes in on Kermit’s swamp to beg him to corral the gang back together for another shot at stardom. He pops a tape into an old VCR and it’s from a Muppets! Where Are They Now? special investigation by Anderson Cooper. In the videotape, a strobe of horrifying Muppet failures is paraded before Kermit’s eyes: Piggy’s attempt to have the world’s biggest most beautiful wedding (ala Sex and the City), dragging Kermit onto The View where he was visibly scared, Piggy starring in wedding dress fashion spreads, and Kermit’s leaving her at the altar. This is followed by his subsequent romance with Lindsay Lohan (and there is a sit-down clip in which she tells a concerned Diane Sawyer that she will always have a place in her heart for Kermit but that the media attention put strain on their relationship and she doesn’t know where he is now), and several real box office failures and mishandlings by the Disney corporation. Anderson declares that young children everywhere don’t even know who the Muppets are and don’t care. Included in this reel can be several hysterical clips, of the Swedish Chef on The Iron Chef (losing because the judges’ mouths exploded with horrifying tastes and too-spicy dishes every time), Rizzo hanging his head in shame on Larry King because a voicemail to his daughter was leaked to the internet in which he calls her a “good-for-nothing rat”, and several paparazzi photos of Piggy having let herself go to a psychotic degree, getting really fat, shaving her head, or being caught places barefoot and drunk acquiring regrettable tattoos. Kermit is visibly moved by this atrocious wake-up call.
Cut to Gonzo and he’s taken to hanging out outside of Good Morning America with Camilla trying to get on TV behind Al Roker. He sees a large group of tweens headed toward him and braces himself for an onslaught of fans with open arms, only to be trampled because they are really all rushing past him to see Miley Cyrus perform. This outrages Gonzo, and he decides to write her a strongly worded letter telling her to stop soaking in so much of the spotlight and makes it his goal to give it to her. So basically he starts stalking Miley Cyrus, whom is in the movie, playing herself.
Cut back to Kermit. Also in the documentary investigation Anderson Cooper notes that the lone success of the Muppets is apparently Animal, who’s found his niche as the touring drummer for Marilyn Manson.
Cut to Animal. He and Marilyn are performing an amazing song onstage and Animal is so adored by the crowd that he stagedives and gets nearly eaten alive by a swarm of gothic lolitas. After the show, Animal is out partying with Marilyn Manson and crew in Tokyo when he runs into Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem, who’ve been stuck in Japan for a few years because it seems to be the only place where they still have fans. They are really happy to see each other and Animal wells up with emotion and decides to quit Marilyn Manson and run away with his Muppet buddies. Marilyn is beyond outraged about this, because Animal was the best drummer that he’s ever met, so he decides to find Animal and the Muppets and exact revenge. This postures Marilyn Manson to be one of the evil villains of the movie, hot on the Muppets’ trail as they later try to get their success back in Hollywood.
Cutting to the chase, the Muppets reunite once Animal, Janice, and Dr. Teeth return to the states. Bunson and Beaker are easy to locate, as they’ve been working on environmental global warming reduction research with Al Gore and appearing at a lot of rallies on the subject. Rowlf is located by Fozzie and Kermit as well because Fozzie and Rowlf were roommates in New Orleans trying to make it as musicians when the hurricanes hit. Homeless and without a piano, Rowlf is eager for Kermit’s help. Much of the reunion of the Muppets can be a subtle homage to their on-the-road-style narrative from the original Muppets Movie only this time with major 21st century references. Piggy proves difficult to persuade as she has so much rage toward Kermit for abandoning her, but can’t help falling back in love with him instantly. In fact, Piggy was already trying to plan her own comeback with a tell-all book and a reality series when the Muppets find her, so all it takes is some half-hearted flattery to get her going back at full-force. Here, I recommend a makeover montage. The Muppets are now reunited and so they meet with a bunch of Hollywood directors about making a new Muppet movie but the reaction is lukewarm. Ron Howard, Steven Spielberg, Martin Scorsese, and Woody Allen each balk at the pitch, stating that they are too busy with other projects and that their children are all grown up. Meanwhile Marilyn Manson is threatening them and kidnapping their daughters to try to get information on where the Muppets have headed next. Finally the Muppets head to Disney and try to get some help from Mickey Mouse, when they run into Gonzo, who’s with Camilla chasing Miley Cyrus.
Finally at the movie’s conclusion, when they’ve all but given up hope, the Muppets are saved by the deus ex machina: BRITNEY SPEARS. Little did they know, Britney was also following them around on their chase just like Marilyn Manson (who’s growing closer minute by minute in a hectic, murderous, 24-style countdown that leaves the audience on the edge of their seats). See, Britney heard about the Muppets’ quest for a comeback and couldn’t help but relate. So she has an idea to really bring the Muppets back, in a rapturous VMA performance of her new hot single! The song samples “Rainbow Connection” and when Marilyn arrives at the VMA’s ready to bomb the place with an environmentally threatening toxic explosion, the song melts his heart like the Grinch and he turns into a weeping, giving, love vampire. The song serves as the film’s beautiful, sparkling, musical climax! ROLL CREDITS! THROW IN AN UGLY BETTY CAMEO AND SOME WALK-ONS FROM DAKOTA FANNING, MARCIA CROSS, BARACK OBAMA, AND AMY POEHLER AND CALL IT A DAY!
JASON SEGEL GIMME A BREAK!!!!
